Dizzy Pilots
by Genocideking Archfiend
Summary: There's nothing like a good game of golf. However, as the boys soon learn, its not a good idea to play it on the battlefield. Chapter two; B-copters that can survive vulcan cannons?
1. Default Chapter

Greetings. After spending god knows how many months without writing anything, I have come back… to writing that is.

Eagle will probably NOT show up in this fic. This fic will mainly feature Hawke, Adder, and Flak. Yes, a strange title if I'm using the Black Hole COs but you see why I choose that title soon. This takes place right before Advance Wars 2. Its pretty much at the time Sturm is still building his forces to have the other four Black Hole COs invade.

This will a be a parody fic. Originally this was going to be one shot but after working on it for quite some time it turned out to be a short story of four or five chapters. I 'll explain why in the next chapter or so.

Now on with the story.

* * *

One man stood before a window of a seemingly impenetrable fortress, quickly surveying the field. If his mask allowed him, he would be smiling at the sight before him. Before him was the entire battlefield he had planned out in case the war he would soon start, ever reached his borders. 

The landscape was designed to give Black Hole a major advantage. Sturm's infamous pipes twisted and turned throughout the landscape. They protect the base from being invaded on all sides. Only three entrance points existed that allowed either Black Holes forces or any others from entering or exiting the fortress. Various cannons strategically placed to guard the main entrance's line of protection protected two entrances. The main entrance itself was guarded by two larger canons pointing… towards the base?

"Damn that meat-obsessed, Sesquipedalophobic fool" Sturm mumbled while he tried to rubbed his forehead in vain.

There was something else that guarded the main entrance. It was Sturm's most powerful asset. It was a weapon so deadly that it was given a name that symbolized its awesome power, regardless of its shortcoming.

The landscape itself was filled with forests and mountains. No force could easily maneuver its way towards the base's defenses without the terrain slowing their advance. Even then, they would have to deal with Black forces as they were built at the various factories around the pipeline perimeter. To tip the odds in his favor even more, many cites already had sworn allegiance to Black Hole and were providing it with the funds to manufacture whatever Sturm saw fit to defend the base. Squardons of anti-airs, tanks, md tanks were already guarding the fortress. Soon, Sturm's newest units would also stand ready to defend it.

The fortress appeared flawless. It was impenetrable. It was invincible. It-

"Fore!"

_Whoosh_. 

It was also the ideal for practicing golf swings. Three men within one of the fort's neutral cities to the right of the missile silo watched as a golf ball launched past the forts' main defense, finally landing on the roof of a commander center of a very large missile silo.

The man with white hair turned to his associates,

"Gentlemen, I believe that's game"

The other two men threw money at their feet upon seeing the man's shot through pairs of binoculars. The more slender and clownish-looking man quickly responded to the white-hair man's claim,

"That was a lucky shot, Hawke!"

"There is no such thing as luck, Adder" Hawke responded calmly "Only skill. Now pay up"

"Awww, I really wanted that money to get a new helmet," stated the third man.

"Flak, nobody cares about your damned helmets" Adder snapped angrily.

"I care about them"

"Fine! Nobody ELSE cares about your helmets. Happy?" Adder asked sarcastically.

"Not really"

"Too bad!"

"Enough," Hawke intervened, "you two owe me ten thousand G"

If it were possible, Adder's already deathly pale face lit up. "Tell you what, Hawke. Let's have one more wager. It will be double or nothing"

Hawke remained silent. His face gave nothing away.

"You make this shot and I'll give you twenty thousand G. How about it, Hawke?

Hawke still remained silent. Adder saw he would need to bring out the big guns.

"Just imagine how much coffee you can buy with that"

"Name your target"

Adder smiled as he saw how quickly Hawke choose to consider the new wager. He knew Hawke wouldn't turn away from a challenge... given the right incentive. All that was left was to give Hawke a target that even he couldn't make. As he looked around the playing field however, he noticed there really wasn't any target that Hawke stood a good chance of missing AND wasn't out of reach. His eyes however rested on a single spot in the command center of the missile silo.

"THAT is your target"

Using his own binoculars, Hawke quickly saw where Adder was pointing. Hawke began narrowing his eyes.

"What's the matter," taunted Adder, "Is the hawk afraid he'll miss?"

Hawke turned to Adder. There was no way out of this but there was no need to give Adder the satisfaction of seeing him look doubtful.

"Stand aside and watch my golf prowess, snake"

Adder decided to ignore the insult. He had Hawke right where he wanted him. Even if Hawke did make the shot, it wouldn't be without its consequences. He wasn't going to allow Hawke to win his money without paying for it.

Hawke removed one of his gloves momentarily to sense the direction of the wind. Satisfied with his findings, he replaced his glove and switch golf clubs. He moved into position and look toward his target. He took a few practice swings before finally taking his real swing.

_Whoosh._

All three men watched as the golf ball went upwards before beginning its descent back to earth.

It kept falling…

And falling…

Until….

* * *

Sturm sat in his office while going over his plans to take over Wars World. He had everything planned out. While each of his subordinates distracted the southern nations with their invasions, he would use the money stolen from the countries to supply his true aim. Wars world would pay for the humiliation they gave Black Hole during the last war. More importantly, Sturm thought, it would finally prove to the world that the Black Hole race was superior to all others. It was their god-given right to control the world. 

There was nothing that could possibly happen to prevent his victory over Wars World this time.

_CRACK_! 

"What-"

_Clank_! 

"Arrgh!"

_Thud_!

* * *

"No! Its not possible!" exclaimed Adder. 

Hawke inwardly sighed with relief as he quickly remembered a detail Adder probably overlooked. Sturm hardly spent much time within the walls of the missile silo's upper levels. He was notorious for spending days on end in the underground levels of fortress. He gave no justification for his uncanny habit. Paranoia or phobia crossed the minds of his COs but none could verify them.

With this in mind, Hawke saw that there was time to retrieve the golf ball before any consequences could happen. Even if Sturm did find out about the golf ball, he could always blame it on this city's civilians. At the same time it would serve as a justifiable reason for Black Hole to claim the city.

Flak snapped Hawke out of his train of thought after busily looking for something among the golf gear.

"Uh guys?"

Adder and Hawke turned to Flak. Hawke was looking slightly smug while Adder had a scowl on his face. Even behind the goggles they were able to tell something was bothering him.

"I can't find the golf ball with all of our names on it"

Immediately Hawke and Adder began looking through the golf equipment for the golf ball. Among the ones they had with them, none were the one Flak claimed missing.

"That means we accidentally used it in one of our games," Hawke calmly stated.

"NO! Now we are going to get caught! We'll never get-!"

"Calm down, Adder. As along as its on the roof of the command center nothing will happen. We'll simply retrieve it"

"Uh Hawke," Flak asked uncomfortably.

"Yes?"

"I think that last one… was the golf ball with our names on it. I think I remember seeing it before you took the last shot."

Adder paled considerably while Hawke began sweat.

"Then…" Hawke began, "we must retrieve it befor-"

"**WAIT UNTIL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU THREE!!!!!!!!!!"**

All three men commenced running for their lives as soon they heard that bellow from their benevolent dictator. As they headed for the emergency stairs, Flak noticed two workers about to use a scaffold near the edge of the roof.

"Let's use that platform thing to get down faster"

"You mean the scaffold" Adder corrected.

"Yeah, that thing"

Before Adder or Hawke could approve, Flak lifted the workers off their feet and threw them towards the entrance of the roof; effectively knocking them unconscious.

"Come on!" Flak yelled as he got on the scaffold.

"I'm not getting- HEY! Put me down you muscle-bound fool!

Hawke stood silent as he watched Adder vainly struggle to be released.

"Hawke, come on. Even I know we can't go down stairs in time to get away from whatever Sturm is sending after us"

Hawke reluctantly climbed on to the scaffold before addressing Flak, "You DO remember what happened the last time you were on a scaffold, don't you?"

"I didn't jump off the scaffold on purpose! I was getting dizzy and fell off"

_Sigh. _"Never mind. Now slowly release the levers so we can descend"

Flak blinked in confuison.

"By descend, he means to get away" Adder translated.

"Oh ok. You mean these?" Flak asked, releasing the aforementioned levers quickly"

"No waiiiiii-"

The scaffold quickly descended down the building. Floors were being passed in seconds. Hawke and Adder tightly held on the handrail as Flak kept himself from moving by holding on to the levers.

"Slow it down!" Adder yelled, "Pull the levers back!"

"Ok" Flak yelled, pulling both levers back into locking position.

Sparks started appearing on both sides of the scaffold as the cables were being forced be held into place. The scaffold slowed down just enough to pin an officer who unfortunately stood beneath it. The sudden stop caused Adder to flip over the handrail and onto the pavement. Hawke and Flak shook their heads to regain their senses. None paid attention as the officier yelled to be released.

"Help Adder" Hawke stated as he jumped off the scaffold, " We're still need to get out of the city"

"Come on, Adder" Flak began as he stirred Adder to wake up, "We gotta go!"

Once back on his feet, the three men ran down the streets occasionally pushing civilians out of their way. As soon they reached the city limits, a squadron of anti-air drones stood in their path. The three men immediately halted. Judging by the unique markings, they were Sturm's personal units. Each anti-air had red-orange Vulcan cannon barrels as opposed to the normal black ones.

Sweat began forming on three men's foreheads. None of the three would be able to override any command these units were given. And their abilities as COs could not prevent their doom.

All they could do now was see their lives flash before their eyes. Flak reminisced about the different meats he had eaten in his life while Hawke thought about the different brands of coffee. What he would give to be waking up from this nightmare with Folgers in his cup. Adder simply stood as still as statue.

As the men waited to meet their fate, the lead anti-air drone suddenly spoke,

"Lord Sturm requires your presence in his chambers of command."

* * *

Afternotes: 

Yes, I realize that realistically the distance between the that window in the command center in the gaint missile and the cities left of it is longer than what a person is capable of launching which is why I decided to creat a right row of nuetral cities beside the missile silo.

Hawke may have the namesake but he doesn't have the eyesight. As such, the window (that little blinking rectangular box in the elevated cyclinder shape) in the command center will be the entire length of a wall.

Everyone has theory about whether or not some of Black Hole units are machines or people who fit in such small contraptions. I follow the machine theory. Normally Black Hole anti-airs have red vulcan barrels while their B-copters have blue missles but when I'm using them as distinguishing marks between the COs units. Black Hole units are completely black except for certain features that are a different color for each CO. Sturm's as mentioned are red-orange.

I hope you enjoyed reading this so far. Leave comments, questions and criticisms in a review if you like.


	2. 2

Merry Christmas, everyone. Sorry about not updating the new chapter more quickly but the thing is looking back on it I noticed there were a few things I wanted to change… hopefully it was for the better.

Now on with the fic.

* * *

Darkness. Although the dawn of day was approaching the fortress, one room remained untouched by the rays of the sun, deep within the underground levels of the base. The only source of light that illuminated the large room were lanterns that were hung on the walls. On each wall was a red banner that carried the four point Black Hole insignia on a white squared background. At the center of the room was a large desk. Maps, battle plans and notes of future crimes against humanity laid on top of it. 

Sturm stood behind his desk looking angry and humiliated. Smog was coming out of his mask in odd places. Although concealed, his head was bandaged and his mask looked somewhat warped.

Four large mechanical infantrymen came into the room. Each had a CO within their grasp (except for Flak who was being carried by two) that vainly tried to break free. After dropping the COs unceremoniously before Sturm's desk, they saluted, extending their right arm high into the air before turning and leaving the chamber.

"How dare you throw me on the floor!?" Adder yelled at them, "You fools are dirt beneath my-."

"Silence!" bellowed Sturm, "And get on your feet!"

The three COs quickly rose to their feet and stood at attention while Sturm step in front of his desk; standing right front of them. Sturm could intimidate his fellow man with his huge and monstrous presence. He stood several feet above his COs. His form remained hidden with the dark cape he wore around his body. His head as well as the rest of his form covered in bronze armor that made him look invincible. His three COs were children compare to his size. He could easily snap each of them two. One was already half way there but that was beside the point.

Sturm had to deal with their most recent act of idiocy.

"Sir" Adder began in a causal tone, "if I ma-"

"Silence, Adder!"

Adder immediately became silent and convincingly showed lack of terror from Sturm's outburst. He swallowed a lump in his throat as he remembered a crucial fact of his predicament. His fate as well as those of his fellow COs were in the hands of madman. He spent years persuading people to see his reasoning. It was his job before Wars World's prospering economy had become a faded memory and it paid very well. Lies became truths and truths became lies but this was another one of those times where something more important than his job hanged in the balance. He would have to carefully choose the time to speak to Sturm to save them from any fate their lord had in mind.

Sturm began walking back and forth in front of the COs.

"We have taken over this land and made it our own. We have raised an army the likes of which this world has never seen. Those fools are not likely to stand by it much longer. We are weeks away from invading Wars World. Our forces are ready to crush those worms for the humiliation they made us suffer. The disarmament, the ridiculous war cost… They shall all pay for humiliating Black Hole as they did"

Sturm suddenly stopped and faced the three men. He gradually raised his voice as came to his point.

"The war will soon begin… and you three decide to take the day off and play golf on the field?!"

Hawke, Adder and Flak look each other before answering as cautiously as it was possible,

"Yes?"

Sturm seemed angered beyond imagining. He was practically blowing steam. He began breathing in deeply in an attempt to calm himself.

This isn't the first time these three have done something this idiotic and odds were it wouldn't be the last, he reasoned. Besides he need these three to fulfill his plans for Wars World. They could be dealt with afterwards.

Once he felt he had regained control he continued with his interrogation. Sturm then revealed his hand from his cape. Tightly grasped within it were three golf balls.

"Which one of you curs shot these golf balls into the base's Black Cannons?"

A moment of silence commenced before one of them finally spoke.

"… I did, boss," Flak admitted.

After another moment of silence, Hawke gave Adder a quick jab to the ribs with his elbow.

"Ow! I did too, sir," Adder said in seemingly apologetic tone while rubbing his side and glaring at Hawke.

Sturm exhaled deeply.

"Why?"

Adder and Flak looked at each other, trying to come up with a good answer. Even Adder couldn't think of a good answer quickly enough.

"Never mind. I rather not know the incompetence behind it. Now… Who shot this golf ball through the window in my office?"

All three were silent. Hawke however was beginning to sweat a bit. In hindsight, Hawke figured taking on that shot was probably not a very good idea though it did win him enough money to take care of his coffee needs for a month.

Assuming he lived to see that money.

"… I did, Lord Sturm" Hawke reluctantly replied.

_Smash!_

All three men slightly flinched when Sturm slammed his fist on his reinforced steel desk, instantly breaking it in two.

Sturm was livid. His second-in-command has committed an act that could have seriously harmed him if weren't for his armor. What was next, backstabbing? To make matters worst, he destroyed yet another desk. At this rate he rather as well go for a wooden table. It wouldn't cost as much to replace.

Regaining his control once more, Sturm addressed his COs,

"You three will pay dearly for your actions. You three are going to…"

Sturm stopped. This scenario has happened many times before. He was beginning to run out of punishments. He jerked his head up suddenly. A good one just came to mind.

"You three will assist Lash with her Neotank experiments," Sturm said with amusement in his voice.

Fear was on each of their faces in their unique manner. Hawke was somewhat failing to hide the disturbed look in his face. Adder seemed dead on his feet while Flak began sweating heavily. All three, however, seemed to have considered their fate one worse than death. Quickly regaining his senses Adder began to persuade Sturm of a less severe punishment.

"Sir, please reconsider" Adder requested in a groveling manner.

"Its no less than what you and Flak deserve for using her cannons as pot holes. Thanks to you two, the prototype models may be damaged. And she doesn't have time to design new ones. Your folly may very well have cost me serious advantage in the upcoming war. You rather as well pay for it now… hopefully you'll survive her experimentations"

"_Lord _Sturm" Adder spoke, talking in the demeanor of an entrusted confidant, "Lash's weapons are so strong mere game equipment can't possibly damage them"

"Even so, what you three did can be considered sabotage" Sturm answered back unmoved by Adder's tone.

A thought quickly entered Adder's mind. If this didn't save them, nothing would. Adder didn't doubt his ability to convince other people to see things his way. It was the fact that Sturm may see through his game that unnerved him. Nonetheless, he kept a straight poker face. Showing any fear that he was feeling would not aid him.

"But Sir. I have an idea that will benefit us both if you forgive our act of stupidity"

"Beware, Adder. Don't think I'm ignorant of your tricks. Try to deceive me and your punishment will be that much severe" Sturm threatened.

Sweat began forming on Adder's forehead. His face still seemed reasonably calm though.

"I would never dream of deceiving you, my lord" Adder replied, closing his eyes in the case they said otherwise.

Sturm seemed skeptical but he chose to allow Adder to continue.

"Lash is currently designing the new tank model, correct?"

"Get to your point. I grow tired of this mindless drivel"

"In exchange for our time… helping Lash, we will design a new Battle copter for your lordship. Think of it. One more unit in helping you retake the honor stolen from Black Hole"

Hawke and Flak were going to question Adder about what he was doing when he silently signaled them to stay quiet. Sturm quickly countered with,

"Our Battle copters models are superior as they-"

"Ones that are strong against anti-airs" Adder quickly added.

Sturm paused mid sentence.

Adder inwardly smiled and held back a sigh of relief. Not even Sturm himself was unreachable by his words. A battle copter that could withstand the fury of the Vulcan cannons would give Black Hole superiority in the skies. Furthermore, air strikes would no longer be as hindered by anti-air weaponry with such a unit in Sturm's arsenal. Sturm had to be mad to resist such an offer.

"Very well, Adder. You three can exchange your time with Lash by designing this battle copter… under a few conditions. You three must build it yourselves. You cannot use any of the personnel in the lab, you'll be assigned to, to build it"

Adder's face remained calm after this new revelation. In his mind however, he was furious. His success could now by hindered by his fellow COs. He very much doubted his colleagues knew how to built aircraft and he certainly didn't have any idea of building it. He went to law school, not technical school. Furthermore, now HE would have to actually do manual labor as well.

"It must be a manned battle copter as well"

"Sir?" Adder asked uncertainly.

"I want to see its performance under the control of a pilot. If it passes, then I have Lash make it an drone unit"

Adder resisted the urge to scowl. Now they couldn't even use the B- copters in their possession. It would have been as simple as merely modifying the machine guns and reinforcing the armor plating. To top it off they now had to fly it as well.

"Go! Build that machine if you value your well-being"

"Ok, boss"

"Yes, sir"

"As you wish, Lord Sturm"

"Fail and the three of you will _assist_ Lash until we're ready to invade"

The three COs saluted and left Sturm's office.

* * *

"Adder, how do you plan on creating this prosperous unit?" 

"Just be thankful I got us ALL out of a potential death sentence, Hawke!" Adder snapped.

"And now we're in another one, thanks to YOUR attempts at deceiving Sturm with your cunning" Hawke calmly countered.

"My ATTEMPTS as you call them, saved us from having to deal with Lash. God knows how protective that brat is of her precious 'toys'" Adder said mockingly.

"Perhaps. You still haven't answered my question. How do you plan on designing, let alone building this aircraft?"

"What fool do you take me for?"

"Uh clown one?" Flak responded.

"Moron, I was talking to Hawke. In any case, you're sadly mistaken if you think I have made an error in purposing to build this aircraft. I already have a plan"

"Hmm… we'll see" Hawke said skeptically.

* * *

Afternotes: 

First, the review responses.

**Keeperofthescarf**; Thanks for the review. You probably would have scolded me for my first story. It was written in… (Cowers in fear behind an archfiend-ic sweihander from potential reviewer beating) script! It too was AW parody, using the Holy Grail. Looking back on it I think there were some things I should have done differently besides the format. I think I'll resurrect that story some time in the future but its going to be tough since its may be in essence a novelization of AW 2, albeit one with Holy Grail aspects. Oh sorry about misleading you into believing I already have five chapters worth of writing. I'm still writing it.

**General Dredge**; Thanks for the review. Looking back on that chapter, I'd say that IS one the chapter's most comical lines. Now get workin' on that next chapter to the Black Hole Bunch!

**Macross-Green**; I'm glad you liked it. I was really concerned about the characterization. One of the things I believe for a humor fic to be great is keeping the characterization intact. I still have my work cut out for me. The real test for keeping the characters persona intact will probably begin next chapter. That's when the aspects of the parody I have in mind actually come into play. This and the last chapter were sort of background. I explain fully once I reveal the parody or someone guesses it. Sorry Lash didn't get hurt or anything but I'll see what I can do and thanks for the review.

**KrOnIk-SpOoN, Student**; Thanks for the review. Yeah, I have spent TOO much time not writing anything. That will change with this story. Well you wouldn't be too happy about getting hit in the head with a golf ball either, would you?

**BlackHole CO**; Thanks for the review. I try to do the best I can with humor.

**Foulds**; Thanks for the review. Advance Wars Golf? The summary certainly implies it doesn't it? I'd sure buy that game. I mean, if they have one for Mario, why not AW as well. Sadly this story won't really be about golf as this chapter may have pointed out. It'll deal with aviation. Something these guys are not exactly skilled in (exhibit A- Flak). Sure they can command air units but as I pointed out those things are drones. And even if they weren't, soldiers who know how to fly would be piloting them. These guys would just be telling them where to go. I'll see what I can do about Homer though as it may be hinted in this chapter, I'm writing using aspects of a different historical timeline.

Now I'll state the clues I left so far about what I'm parodying. The title itself is a clue. A very comical trio used that title. The idea of building a plane to escape some type of plight is also a clue.

Read and review. And if you think you know who I'm talking about say so in a review.


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